You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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