Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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