So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
