I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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