You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We talked him into tasing himself.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
