i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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