she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
