As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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