I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
