Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
