i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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