I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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