ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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