You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
