I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
