My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
