Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
