Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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