Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
