you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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