checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
