why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
