Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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