so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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