Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
