yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
someone owes me an orgasm
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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