My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
