i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
