my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
