i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
