Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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