I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
