Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
