He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
