I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
