Me. At least after what I've been through.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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