I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
