just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
