I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
