i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
