Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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