How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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