On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
