just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
