So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
