chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
