My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
