his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
