Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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