i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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