My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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